After what has seemed like an eternity, the elections for the next National Black Folks Spokesman are underway. The advertised deadline for consideration is June 30, 2015. The actual deadline is December 31, 2015 due to the melanin-related phenomenon called CP Time. The first nominee in the running to replace the tandem of Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson is Ben Baxter of Alabama. His campaign strategy is listed below.
As the next National Black Folks Spokesman, the Honorable Reverend Doctor Ben Baxter Jr will make a two-faced effort to complete the following promises.
- He will speak for you whenever a white friend or coworker asks a question as simple as “How are things going?”
- He will magically show up whenever “thug” is used by a white person to describe a young black male. In addition, he will show up with an entire HBCU marching band if previously mentioned white person becomes frustrated and uses the n-word.
- He will retweet anything that you send to him that has the hashtag #blacklivesmatter or #handsupdontshoot included.
- He will always hog television time from relevant victims of abuse or harassment by shucking and jiving.
- He will give the impression that his services are free, but he will eventually charge you a minimum of $25,000 just for showing up.
- He will inevitably disappear whenever your situation gets tough. But again, he’s going to charge you that $25,000 minimum fee no matter what. He cannot stress that enough.
God Bless America, Black Jesus, and President Obama.
This message was brought to you by Citizens for Baxter, Incorporated. Ben Baxter was not affiliated with this message at all.